the guy does some stuff

i think i have a morning ritual now. i set my alarm to wake me up three hours before work. i spend three hours being nervous before work.

a lot of the time when someone asks me asks me what the book i'm reading is about i feel like an asshole. i am shitty at describing things probably. seems like i always end up saying:

'there's this guy

and the guy does some stuff

and then the stuff that guy does causes other stuff to happen

which affects the guy

and then the guy does some more stuff'

at work i was thinking about what my obituary might be if i died in a telephone accident. one was 'he said he was going to kill himself but never did, then he died' and the other was 'he died the same way he lived; slowly'

i kept leaning back in my chair, putting my hands behind my head and thinking 'look at all these fit bitches' while staring at the ceiling lights.

at work there is this girl who i've made awkward eye contact a lot with lately. i stare at her ass sometimes. the awkward eye contact seems to occur not when i'm looking at her ass though. ie. i was on the top of the bus last week which passed by her. as the bus passed by her i was looking at her thinking 'hey that's the girl from work' and then she looked up and saw me looking at her.

in a coffee shop for lunch today i bought a panini that was ~£4. after eating it and looking at the receipt for a while i felt very conscious that i'd killed someone in the 3rd world by being extravagant with my money and choosing to eat a ~£4 panini. then i felt a bit conceited for thinking i killed someone by eating a panini

i was helping my lil bro with his homework earlier. he has to write a poem for class. the word 'bunny' is in the poem. he told me that i was wrong and it was spelled 'bunnie'. i said it was spelled 'bunny'. he asked me how i 'know for sure' and as evidence i asked him 'who has been around longer, me or you?' and he said 'god' and grinned

'garden' is like 'back yard'

lately on the bus to work i've been day dreaming about being an illegal immigrant who works in a factory producing loaves of bread. at the end of work i sneak into the room where they keep all the bread and sleep amongst the loaves.

my little brother is 8 years old. i made him a drink last night. i made it by placing half centimeter thick slices of lemon in a high ball glass with two ice cubes in between each slice. i poured lemonade into the glass. i gave the glass to my little brother. i think he liked it because he said, 'i guess i like my lemonade even lemonier,' then said, 'all i need to make this a cocktail is an umbrella.' i like him he is cool.

it was really misty last night. like the mist in 'the mist' misty. i think it's because i live by the sea. if i leave my window open at night i can hear the waves i think. the sound could also be the trees in the wind. it could also be traffic in the distance. it is probably all three

there is a fox that lives at the end of my garden. the end of the garden is just bushes against a wooden fence. i think the fox sleeps mostly in the bushes. one time during the summer i saw the fox sleeping on a sunny spot in the middle of the garden. this morning i went to take in my laundry and i think i startled the fox because it parkour'd over the fence into the neighbour's garden.

if i were the publicist for a famous coke-addicted movie star, every time they 'fucked up' i'd organise a press conference. the room would have a little podium with a mic at the top.

i would tell the movie star to walk into the room and take the mic off the podium.

the movie star would look every journalist in the eye, say 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone,' then drop the mic and walk out.

'numb' by linkin park would play loud over the PA until they all left.

live 4 the weekend

for breakfast this morning i went to the bakery to buy a bacon bap. in the que there was an old guy in front of me.

when the old lady behind the counter saw him she asked 'how are you love?'

he said 'i woke up today, so that's a bonus'

she said 'that's true'

then they both stopped talking.

i like it when it rains because i know it'll be warmer the next day

lately i've been trying consciously not to say that something's shitty when other ppl are around. when ppl say something is shitty and it's something i like it feels like my whole body winces.

normally the things ppl say are shitty are things like 'ketchup' or 'twitter'. it is maybe advantageous to have no opinions or 'identity'.

i feel very aware of little hypocrisies in my own identity. i think maybe my identity is manufactured inside my brain ('outside of life') and when my identity is 'inside of life' it doesn't feel right or something.

at work when they try to motivate us they talk about what our 'personal goals' are, then talk in general terms about how doing well at work will lead to us accomplishing our personal goals. these sentences often start with 'think about your goals. some people live for the weekend...'

lately i feel like i 'live for death'

lunch

i went for lunch with my sister. on the bus there we passed by the hospital she used to nurse at. she said something like 'i used to love it when the helicopter flew in with a severe injury'. she said she was lucky that no one died on her ward while she was there.

some of her friends had to go into the rooms of dead patients and clean the body and they wouldn't know when it would let out it's last breath. sometimes the body exhaled while they were cleaning it. sometimes the eyes were still open and they had to close the eye lids. sometimes the eye lids wouldn't shut or they'd slowly slide back open.

on the bus home i saw a dog pooping on a slanted pavement. the poops were spherical and dropped in a timed sequence, then all rolled down the same path into the gutter. it looked a bit like a level in a side-scroller video game where boulders drop every few seconds and roll through the level.

i kind of love the bus.

the bus feels nice because i'm stationary and moving at the same time. sometimes people in movies say [something] is 'the calm before the storm'. bus rides feel like that to me, but for 20 minutes.

being sat at the top of a double decker is like being a passenger in my own brain.

i've had dreams about girls i like where we meet at a bus stop and buy 'day riders' then sit at the top reading the internet on each others phones while the bus travels around town all day.

i felt an urge to pick my little brother up from school earlier. i haven't done that in a month maybe. i miss listening to the mums talk to each other about their husbands.

i saw the same baby climb out of her pram and fall onto the ground twice once

i think that baby will have a successful life, she seemed 'fearless'

my dad has told me a story where, when i was a baby, we were on a 6 hour car journey to somewhere and he didn't realise i'd pooped until we arrived because i didn't cry.

i was the kind of baby who sat contentedly in his own poo for many hours.

when that baby girl is an old lady she will probably be active and fall out of her dune buggy a lot. when i am old i will sit in my own poo on the bus all day trying to remember where my bus stop is.

bloggin 9 till 5, wat a way to make a livin

i always imagine carles on the freeway in a convertable on a sunny day wearin sunglasses and singin 'bloggin 9 till 5, wat a way to make a livin' while tweetin

for two hours after i woke up i looked at the wiki entries for different types of execution.

death by elephant sounded pretty bad but probably the least painful and most of 'an experience'. i also think 'death by elephant' would be a nice band name

death by being deep friend sounded that worst because you don't die until your muscles start melting or something

there is also one where they put you inside a hollow bronze bull which is placed over a large fire and you roast to death

i got on the top of a double decker yellow bus today. it didn't move at the stop for a bit and i saw a greying woman with her greying husband wearing a grey jumper and it looked like she was wearin one of those 'cone bras' from the 50s and i thought 'sweet tits' then kept thinking 'sweet tits' every time someone got on the bus.

lately i've been seein lots of guys [16 to 'my age'] wearin chinos. i think topman started stocking them 'seriously' about 6-12 months ago. when i see someone in chinos i think 'chinos guy'. i think i think that about twenty times a day. i saw a group of 5 guys wearin chinos once and thought 'chinos guys' and grinned

talking on the phone to nice ppl feels kind of like when you bump into a stanger on the street and you both grin at each other and its a nice moment that maybe makes you smile to yourself a few minutes later. i think i had a lot of those today but with peoples voices.

there's a girl at work whose name sound like 'emar'. if i dated her i think ppl would call us 'emar and omar' probably.

also, this morning when i woke up it looked bright and cold and the trees looked really good out my window

BLOGGIN ERRY DAY

ben brooks did a blog post where he said he's gonna blog often or something so i am going to try and do that

i have been selling insurance over the phone for 3 weeks now, i have sold over 30 insurance policies. yesterday they moved me from training to a 'team'. now if i make a mistake i think i will get in trouble

i forgot my ipod today and on the bus to work i kept thinking 'the wheels on the bus go round and round' over and over and it felt very existential or something

there was a man sat in front of me who looked ~40 and over weight and he was sat with his daughter who was cute and ~8 and very small and wore a pink rain coat. i could see her dad's face in the window and he looked like he knew he daughter's life would be fucked

there is this girl at work who looks like the kind of girl who would be in an advert for vaginal cream because she's very white and blonde and pretty and looks clean and/or angel like

for some reason i can only imagine angels being white blonde girls, like the idea of a korean angel seems funny to me

at work today i made six sales and that was good i think because the supervisors kept high-fiving me and i was enjoying it for a while, then i started to feel like it was bad how much the praise was affecting my self esteem and then it kind of felt like they were being sarcastic after a while.

someone i phoned told me he was going to report me to [somewhere] and that the company would get shut down

~98% of the ppl on the phone are nice though, one lady i phoned told me she was 90 and that she didn't want to take out a policy because she 'wouldn't be around for much longer' and i said 'oh don't say that duck' and we both laughed and it was nice

when i got on the bus home the bus didn't move for a while because a guy had to fix a light at the front and was under the bus and the bus driver said 'there's a pair of feet under the bus so we can't move for health and safety reasons' and then he asked us if we wanted to play i spy

after the guy finished fixing the light he walked past the bus and was wearing a yellow jump suit and his hair and body was covered in black greasy stuff and i thought 'that guy looks good'